[X] My Assistant

[Ain Skalie]

Name : Liron Lachtna

Age: 10

Hometown: Lenolia town

Appearance: She has long braided hair (Some of her hair covers her right eyes), her hair is blond, there's a hair antenna and her eye color is yellow. Her height is 116 cm (In Indonesia, we count height with centimeter), and her weight is 18 kg. She usually wears a black trousers, black underwear shirt with white jacket, black shirt long sleeves also with black shoes, she also usually brings a cotton brown bag, and wears pokeball belt and black bracelet. She wears a fishing hat too, hiding most of her long hair inside.

Personality: She is a very impatient young girl (Inspired by Barry, XD). She always takes good care of her pokemon and other poor pokemon. She always crashes into other guy or gal because her running speed is fast. She usually thinks quickly in a battle (Yes, ONLY in a battle). She also always get upset everytime she is being called "A male!!!" or something that mean to say that she is a boy. What she says every time she takes out her pokemon is, "Battle starts!". If she is mad, she always does something reckless and unbelievable. She hates being called shortie, or something that mean to say that she is short. Once you say she is short, she will bash you out. She always got lost in the middle of nowhere, which means she has no hope being a leader. She actually has a boy-ish sound, which is why she is cross-dressing, but watch out for her super tomboy-ness! Due to her ability to play billiard, she always bring her cue everywhere.

Biography: She is a girl who was born in Lenolia town. Her house was also a pokemon keepers. When she was born, her first toy was billiard, this makes her a pro in billiard. At 7 years old, she had a boy-ish sound, she always got upset everytime she is being called "A male!!!" or something that mean to say that she is a boy, it might be bue to her billiard skill. Her mom suggested Liron that she should cross-dressing, and she did. Nobody knows that she is a girl after she cross-dressed but her mom. At 8 years old, she actually had no interest in pokemon trainers, she lived in home with pokemons, but all of them was Celia Lachtna's, Liron's mother. Until Liron was 9 years old, she still had no interest being in pokemon adventure, but Celia's pikachu laid an egg, she give it to Liron, Liron wasn't really know how to hatch a pokemon, so she kept it in incubator. Until Liron's 10th birthday, the pokemon egg hatched, it appeared to be a pichu. For a month, she was playing with pichu. Then, a robber planned to steal all of Seila and Liron's pokemon. The robber broke in Liron's house, Liron was panicked but Her mom tried to calm Liron. Liron battled and followed Celia's instruction, and she beat the robber and the robber ran away. He started to enjoy pokemon battles, she tried to study about pokemon battle, and decided to go on journey. Right before Liron started Her journey, she received starly from her mom. also supplied her with map, potion, and many other things. Her mom said that Liron should gave her own pokemon a nickname, she was thinking for a while, then she got upset thinking up a good name, her mom suggested that pichu should be called Kachu while starly is being suggested to be called Star. A moment later, she packed everything and started her journey to south beach, her mom told her that there's a town that might be a good start, she also bring her billiard cue. On the first day, she went to the side of the lake and sleep there, but on the second day, he must find someway to cross the lake.

Preferred Faction:
-Civilian

Starting Pokemon:

Pichu Lv 8 (Nick : Kachu, Male) (README : As told in Biography, He doesn't know Chu's move)

Thundershock
Charm

Starly Lv 7 (Nick : Star, Male) (README : As told in Biography, He doesn't know Star's move)

Growl
Quick attack
Tackle

Items:
Potion x1
Pokeball x5
Pokegear x1
Map x1
Billiard cue x1

What's the biscuit name? The answer is Waldrof.

This post has been edited by AoiLirum: Mar 6 2010, 01:56 AM

[Master Houndoom]

Your tenses are off. You have a lot of present tense for past events.

You also seem to have combined the two different RPs. Lenoilia is, indeed, a city in the land of Furoh, where PANE is set, but Team Aqua is most prvalent in Uprising, and that is where the factions are as well.

I want to see more on the descriptions, please. Instead of describing the person as looking like someone else, describe the person. Descriptions are important to this particular roleplay.

[Ain Skalie]

Sorry about the tenses, I don't really thinks carefully about the tenses.

Ouch, I forgot to delete the team aqua.

I will edit the profile.

[Toogee]

You still have problems with tenses and grammar. Put this through a word processor; your post is difficult to read in its current state, particularly (but not limited to) the Personality section.

Also, post when you have made the necessary changes. Otherwise, we won't know when you're ready.

[Ain Skalie]

Gimme 2 days to think. I'll try to fix the tenses.

[Ain Skalie]

Ok, I'm ready now.

[Toogee]

You got most of the tense problems, but you still have grammar problems. I see odd capitalization in the middle of sentences, improper use of "a" and "an", and sentences that need to be split. A lot of sentences just don't sound right. Please read through this; you can't say things like "sometimes he got messed up." That doesn't make sense and it's not the only example.

[Ain Skalie]

I do believe that I fix everything now. Also, I make some changes on the profile.

This post has been edited by AoiLirum: Nov 10 2009, 06:12 AM

[Toogee]

OK.

Now that I know English isn't your first language, that would explain a lot. However, you should know that the same grammar/usage requirements demanded in this profile will also apply to your future posts. Your grade (and thus the amount of levels you receive) will be affected by language problems. Also, others may have dificulty reading what you type, so be prepared to explain. It doesn't mean you can't RP, it just means that this will take some work.

With that said, there are still mistakes in this profile. I don't have time to point them all out, but here's a few.

"A very impatient young boy."
"A boy who was born in Lenolia town."

Both are incomplete sentences.

"He usually thinks useful thing in an unbelievable speed in a battle(Yes, ONLY in a battle)"
"His house was also an pokemon keepers."

I don't know what these sentences mean. Do you mean "thinks quickly?"

There's more, but I'm heading out the door now.

[Ain Skalie]

Thanks for understanding.

I hate to say this thing but, can you pinpoint out all of the mistakes? I'll try to fix it myself.

This post has been edited by AoiLirum: Nov 11 2009, 05:23 PM

[Toogee]

Here are the big mistakes. I wasn't too descriptive on what needed to be be done; that was on purpose. I need you to figure out what's going on. Anything more than that, I might as well write the profile for you. If you correct these, I'll approve the profile.

“He has long braided hair (Some of his hair covers his right eyes), his hair is blond, there's a hair antenna, his eye color is yellow.”
You need one “and” before the eye color sentence.

“He always take a good care of his pokemon and other poor pokemon.”


“Often crash with other guy or gal only because his running speed is fast.”
Plural problems. Correst “crash with”

“At 8 years old, he actually had no interest in pokemon trainers, he lived in home with pokemons, but all of them is Celia Lachtna's, Liron's mother.”
Tense problem

“Until Liron is 9 years old, he still had no interest being in pokemon adventure, but Celia's pikachu laid an egg, she gave it to Liron, Liron didn't really know how to hatch a pokemon, so he kept it in incubator.”
Tense problem

“Then, a robber planned to stole all of Seila and Liron's pokemon.”
Fix “stole”

“He started to feel enjoyable to pokemon battle, he tried to study about pokemon battle, and decided to go on journey, right before Liron started his journey, he received starly from his mom, also supplied him with map, potion, and many other things.”
Fix “enjoyable”. This sentence is too big; split it in two.

“His mom said that Liron should gave his own pokemon a nickname, he is thinking for a while, then he got upset thinking up a good name, her mom suggested that pichu should be called Kachu, while starly is being suggested to be called Star.”
Tense problems, replace a couple of the commas with periods.

[Ain Skalie]

I fix all of them I hope I was right.

[Ain Skalie]

Thanks for understanding.

I hate to say this thing but, can you pinpoint out all of the mistakes? I'll try to fix it myself.

I fix everything you say.

[Toogee]

Not quite. Your corrections need correcting. You're having problems distinguishing between plural and singular form.

“He always takes good care of his pokemon and other poor pokemon.”

"He started to enjoys pokemon battles…"

“His mom said that Liron should gave his own pokemon a nickname, he is thinking for a while, then he got upset thinking up a good name, her mom suggested that pichu should be called Kachu while starly is being suggested to be called Star.”
This sentence was never corrected.See my last post for info on that.

My biggest concern, however, is the new "secret" you added. You can't just add "he's a girl" without any clarification in the bio (Why does (s)he dress like a boy? When did this happen?) and possibly in personality. I will expect more than one sentence explaining this; it's pretty significant for someone to go cross-dressing. And when you do write up an explanation, please keep in mind all the grammar corrections we went through.

[Ain Skalie]

Not quite. Your corrections need correcting. You're having problems distinguishing between plural and singular form.

“He always takes good care of his pokemon and other poor pokemon.”

"He started to enjoys pokemon battles…"

“His mom said that Liron should gave his own pokemon a nickname, he is thinking for a while, then he got upset thinking up a good name, her mom suggested that pichu should be called Kachu while starly is being suggested to be called Star.”
This sentence was never corrected.See my last post for info on that.

My biggest concern, however, is the new "secret" you added. You can't just add "he's a girl" without any clarification in the bio (Why does (s)he dress like a boy? When did this happen?) and possibly in personality. I will expect more than one sentence explaining this; it's pretty significant for someone to go cross-dressing. And when you do write up an explanation, please keep in mind all the grammar corrections we went through.

Fix them! (Btw, are you bored of correcting me? Sorry if you're bored )

[Toogee]

Apparently I wasn't clear enough on the corrections to the following sentences.

"He started to enjoys pokemon battles…"

The "s" after enjoy is scratched out. It's hard to see, so that's my fault. In any case, take out the s.

“His mom said that Liron should gave his own pokemon a nickname, he is thinking for a while, then he got upset thinking up a good name, her mom suggested that pichu should be called Kachu while starly is being suggested to be called Star.”
Replace "gave" with "give"

You keep switching off between masculine and feminine words. Put this into a word processor, press "Ctrl + F" at the same time, then go to Replace. Fill in the appropriate fields that should catch most of the "he"s, "his", and "him"s.

[Ain Skalie]

I'm tired.... Anyway, done.

[Toogee]

Approved. Post in the Current levels thread. Have fun .